Physically Pffffftttttt!!!

I used to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I’m doing. Nothing hardcore like jogging. I don’t jog, it makes the ice jump right out of my glass of high fat dairy milk, more of a regime of stretching and relaxing and bending and relaxing… but more of the relaxing than the stretching and the bending.

I remember back in grade school, there was this hamster in the classroom next to ours that did nothing but poop and run on its exercise wheel the whole day and one day it just dropped dead. The teacher looked it over and found that thanks to proper diet and all that exercising, the rodent was perfectly healthy. Except of course for the fact that it was dead. And so, as a child of nine, I learned then that the advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

Good genes have given me one of those metabolisms that's tuned like a space-shuttle gyroscope: every time I hear the word “exercise” I wash my mouth with chocolate, and my butt actually tightens a notch. So these days, I don't exercise at all. Besides, if God meant for us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up our body.