I Am Happy... The Horror! The Horror!

So I was eating my m&ms by color, leaving out the yellow ones because I dont like for things to taste yellow, when it hit me: I! Am! Happy! Seriously, I am punch-drunk in love and I am deliriously happy. That was yesterday. Today, I walk around convinced that now that something nice and good is happening to me, I am going to die. Whereas a few years back, I used to pray for death and sweet release, I now fear for my life because I have reason to live it. I had felt the hot breath of irony on the back of my neck, and now I am breathing irony, and it is filling my lungs with its buoyant dread.
Remember what it was like when youre jumping rope, and two people were turning it, and youre ecstatic coz youre doing so well, and youre waiting for the exact right moment to jump out and you know you have to do it soon or youll trip and fall? I feel like that all the time. See, I get bad dreams when Im happy, and lately, Ive been having this recurring nightmare where the universe goes on and on spilling over everything. Heaven was a kind of roof on the universe, like a lid that kept everything underneath where it belonged, and it had disappeared. Then Im flying, and then I looked down to realize I wasnt flying at all but actually falling from a great height. These days, my friends can read my face like a headline: my dreams are good when I look bad, and terrible when I look good. My inverted set of responses is a curious phenomenon to everyone but me. Part of me just wishes all this happiness would stop, so then the nightmare would stop. And then I can settle back into my normal state of misery with a smile of relief.
Hmm that day in the emergency room, do you suppose I threw up something I needed? Some small and trivial thing that belonged inside me? I distinctly feel as though Im missing something. But then, I always have.