Please Pass the Peace Pact

I am not a diplomatic person. My stubborn and intractable nature doesn't lend itself to the art of subtle negotiation. You won't find me on the international stage clicking glasses with dictators, fiddling with my headphones during United Nations proceedings, or inadvertently giving away Poland after a bad bowl of borscht.

Nevertheless, I think I have something to contribute the Middle East Peace process. I reject the idea that clashing ideologies and territorial disputes must result in a permanent state of war. I know of two parties who are diametrically opposed on every substantial issue of the day, whose mutual mistrust is deep-seated and well-founded, yet have come to transcend their historic divisions and live semi-peacefully under the same roof. I am speaking, of course, of myself and my sisters.

The Encong Accords (also known as the Kitchen Counter Talks) were signed in the summer of this year, after two decades or so of constant tension, unrest, rolling eyes and tongue clucks. Negotiations were intense and close to complete collapse on a number of occasions (e.g. every time the phone rang), but ultimately successful. Bloodshed was avoided (with the exception of an unfortunate paper cut) and we currently maintain a state of harmonious disinterest.

The following basic principles of conflict resolution were responsible for the historic breakthroughs of this successful sibling summit:

1.Create clear and mutually recognized borders: The integrity of the bedroom threshold shall not be breached for any reason. Installation of barbed wire was helpful with this issue.

2. Respect territorial integrity: A demilitarized hallway buffer zone was established and a no-fly policy implemented. As my sister remarked at the treaty banquet, "Flies are so icky"

3. Assure each side access to essential resources: Particularly the refrigerator and the bathroom. No one wants a replay of the bitter Cold Cream War of 1998.

4. Establish economic ties: When tensions reach a boiling point, I simply give my sister fifty bucks to go away.

5. Address the present, not the past: I could make the case that I was born first and therefore am entitled to complete and utter autocratic rule, but then the parental units might offer the same logic and who needs that?

6. Be flexible: Talks can easily break down if both parties take a hard line. Yvonne agreed with me on this point; of course she thought we were talking about eyeliner.

7. Agree to independent, outside monitoring: We use our parents because theyre a lot like the UN: they think theyre more powerful than they are and cant agree on anything.

So there you have it. My ability to achieve a lasting truce with my sisters is proof positive that peace in our time is an achievable goal. Of course, things would have been a LOT different if I'd ever been able to get my damn Anti-Aubrey & Yvonne Missile Defense System working.

Yours in détente,
Leslie