I Ate The Crow

I am not goth. People always assume Im goth. Why do people always assume Im goth? I am NOT troubled, or conflicted, or anguished. I am depressed.

Its a serotonin imbalance and its called a bipolar disorder. People know it better as manic-depression. This means I can go from manic to depressed in the span of minutes. Yes, minutes. I am a rapid cycler. I go to a shrink and I take medication for it. I dont tell my doctor but I only take them whenever I feel the day is going to be a tough one. When Im on the upswing, I hide my meds. Its the control freak in me. I feel its self-defeating knowing I am only getting through the day because of the Prozac. Its so much more empowering whenever I get through a day unscathed, by the power of my will alone and not my medication. Its painful and crippling. You feel a profound hopelessness and you lose all interest in life, everything is unbearable, you seem incapable of feeling happiness, even the smallest chores seem impossible to accomplish, and theres a blanket of doom on you the whole day and you just cant snap out of it. Its an assault on the will. I know this sounds morbid but, during the bad days, I wish I had cancer instead, at least, with an intact will, I could face it better because I wouldnt lose hope. But depression attacks the spirit, the very weapon I use to fight it. So whats left of me? I cannot begin to describe how it feels to have no hope. Its hard to hold everything together. It takes an incredible effort of will to so much as get out of bed in the morning. Without hope, there is no point to anything. Its hard explaining it to people. How do you explain that there are no reasons, only triggers? How do you explain that the magnitude of ones outburst is almost never proportional to the gravity of the perceived cause? How do you explain that being depressed does not mean you are dour and humorless? The most hysterically funny people I know are the ones who are buried in depression. Their anguish gives them access to the darkness of their souls, allows them to flirt with madness.

But I am NOT goth! The Crow gave me the creeps.