Crypt Raider Me

The makers of Tomb Raider have performed a valuable public service: By forcing one of the most beautiful women in the world to pad her chest, they've succeeded in making a gorgeous movie star feel as inadequate as the rest of us. And really, is a skintight leather jumpsuit with thigh-high, spiked-heel boots really the most practical outfit for kickboxing a five-headed demon? Not the five-headed demons I know.

Although I admit that I'm as far away in appearance from Ms. Jolie as one can get (and Im not complaining, mind you, since this way I dont have to worry that when I'm asleep my giant lips will eat my face), I still find myself with the unexpected longing to be the subject of a Big Hollywood Blockbuster that burns through the international multiplex circuit. Yet I realize that I need a top-to-bottom retooling of my image if I wish to inspire the creation of 90 minutes of flashy, brainless, quick-cutting driv--excuse, me, I mean a nonstop roller-coaster ride of thrills and eye-popping excitement--that would comprise a big budget, live-action-with-expensive-SFX version of Leslie. Not to worry. Ive come up with a few ways I plan to change my life in order to attract the Hollywood mega-hit machine:

1. Slip a cursed Egyptian artifact into my sisters jewelry box.

2. Decide to help my sister with her science project by creating a deadly, flesh-eating virus. Then save the world from certain doom by procrastinating so much that I end up helping her sprout monggo beans on a wet napkin.

3. Take the driving schools car on a kinetic, death-defying chase from one end of the parking lot to the other.

4. Hang precariously by my fingertips from the first-floor living room window.

5. Play soccer while scantily clad in shiny black outfit that looks like its gone through a paper shredder. Better yet, pose pouting in outfit while others sweat and play soccer.

6. Confront my evil doppelgänger in the girls room mirror. Oh wait, thats just my sister.

7. Discover that Marlon is actually a nuclear-powered cyborg, disguised as a superhuman replica, bent on collapsing time and knocking the earth out of its orbit. Finally, the guy does something interesting.

8. Convince my parental units to let me redecorate the house so that it resembles a crumbling mansion with a forgotten crypt in the basement. Rescue Dad when he locks himself in crypt.

9. Confront a secret coven of evil, soul-sucking vampires. Oops, Yvonne again. Stupid Fashion Club meeting.

10. In Matrix-like fashion, ponder whether life is actually an illusion and imagine the true reality for three seconds before abandoning the question for a game of Scrabble.
Now all that remains is the creation of a catchy marketing slogan. Hmm. . . hows this? "I dont have a personality problem. YOU have a perception problem."

Im a genius. See you at the movies. . .